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find_rightbrainTitle: In the Eyes of a Young Girl
Chapter: Twenty - When Your Heart Has Expired
Feedback: Will make me love you muchly.
Characters/Pairing: Roger/April, Mark, Benny, Collins, Maureen, Chris
Word Count: 2168
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I do not own Rent, and I'm extremely unlikely ever to. Shiny?
Chapter Index
Chapter Nineteen
The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost. - Gilbert K. Chesterton
April all but bounced into the loft, eager to see all of the others again. Roger followed a step or two behind her. “We’re home!” she said cheerfully, loudly enough to be heard through the whole loft, and rather hoping that someone would be home. She was in luck—all three of the boys were home, though since Maureen didn’t immediately pounce on her once she stepped in, April assumed that she must be elsewhere at the moment.
“April!” She heard Mark’s voice before she saw him, but in a second he stepped out of his bedroom and rushed forward to hug her happily. “Took you long enough. And you didn’t call or… or…”
“He’s been worried about you,” Benny commented wryly, grinning at April. “Convinced something had happened to you since you didn’t call. Then again, I was a little worried about you too. Well… worried about you, April. I don’t particularly care if something happens to Roger.” Roger sneered at him and otherwise ignored the comment.
“I’m fine, Mark,” April said with a smile. “We just took our time driving home. Decided to go through the southwest instead of cutting straight across to New York… It’s pretty down there, you know. And it was fun.”
“You still should’ve called,” he said, hugging her tightly once more before releasing her.
“I’ll remember that next time,” she responded, trying not to laugh at his concern. It was actually kind of touching that he was so concerned about her. At least Chris wouldn’t have to worry that she was being taken care of, with “older brothers” like Mark to watch over her. And Tom and Benny of course… “I’m gonna go and put my stuff away, then I’ll tell you guys all about California.” She disappeared into her bedroom, and for a moment none of the boys spoke.
Collins had been silent until then, but now looked to Roger. “Hey Roger, can I talk to you real quick?”
Guessing what Tom was going to say, Benny winced. It probably wasn’t the best idea to bring this up right when Roger got home… Then again, Tom knew what he was doing. Most of the time. And he certainly knew how to deal with Roger better than Benny did… Benny didn’t say anything, just watched silently, certain that something unpleasant was about to happen. He glanced briefly at Mark, who had a similar expression of nervous tension, like watching an impending train wreck just before it actually happened.
Collins beckoned Roger into his “bedroom”, the walled-off section of the living room that he’d claimed as his own since he’d been unintentionally crowded out of the other bedroom, and lowered his voice so that the others couldn’t hear him, just Roger. “Roger, I want you to know that you’re one of my best friends, you’re part of my family, and I’m only doing this because I care about you, okay?”
Roger eyed him warily. Whenever Collins started talking like that, it generally meant something disagreeable was to follow. “Okay…” He sat down on the edge of Collins’ bed, still looking up at him with a measure of suspicion. Whatever he was going to say, Roger was fairly certain he didn’t want to hear it.
He was right.
“Roger, I know you’ve been using some serious drugs,” Collins said softly. Roger stiffened immediately, but Collins went on before he could be interrupted. “I found some of your…the stuff you’ve been hiding, in your room. Now I’m not going to tell you what to do, because I know you, and I know you’ll just blow me off if I try, but… You’re smarter than this, Roger. You can pretend otherwise, but you are. What you’re doing is dangerous, and I don’t want to see you risking everything you have for this… for whatever reason you feel like you need it.”
Roger had balled his hands into fists as Collins spoke, and the simple fact that he hadn’t interrupted him seemed a miracle—probably simple respect for Collins had kept him silent whereas had it been anyone else he would have started shouting before they’d gotten out more than the first sentence. As it was, he barely waited until Collins was done to burst out, “How the hell is this any of your business?” He didn’t even bother pitching his voice low as Collins had to keep the others from hearing. Outside the “room,” Mark and Benny exchanged a look—they’d kind of expected it to go like this.
“I’m not an idiot, Collins. I don’t need your advice, I don’t need you to play older brother or whatever the hell you’re doing. I can take care of myself.” He stood up, his hands still in fists, so close to Collins that the two of them were nearly nose-to-nose, but Collins didn’t step backwards to move away from him. “You found my… What the hell were you doing in my room in the first place? You don’t have the right to… to just go rummaging through my things just because you think that—“
“I told you, Roger, I only did it because I care about you. I don’t want to see you get hurt.”
“Hurt how?” Roger snapped. “I don’t need you to shelter me, Collins. I don’t need your help.” He stood there for a second more, then turned and stalked away, shoving aside one of the blankets that formed the bedroom walls so hard that he almost yanked it down unintentionally. As he did, April stepped out of her own bedroom, glancing worriedly from Roger to Collins, and then to the other two—Benny sitting on the couch, Mark standing near it—both of whom simply watched awkwardly, somewhere between distressed and thankful that they weren’t the ones in the path of Roger’s anger.
“What happened?” April asked at last. The question wasn't really necessary. She'd probably heard Roger from the other room anyway.
“Nothing,” Roger growled, and stalked past her into the bedroom.
*
Three days after they’d gotten home, April was starting to grow tired of the way Roger kept shooting glares at Collins any time he caught the other man so much as looking at him. She decided not to say anything about it, though. It made thing easier if she just pretended she didn’t see, didn’t know… And if she ignored the fact that some time between when they got home and now, fresh track marks had appeared on Roger’s arms. So long as she pretended they weren’t there, they might as well not exist.
Yeah, she thought with a sigh. Nice try, April Shower. She’d even picked up the boys’ nickname when speaking to herself, it seemed… Well, it didn’t hurt anything, and sometimes the nickname seemed all too applicable. Like now, when she felt… overcast, gloomy. Not quite stormy, just… drizzly. April showers.
She glanced around the living room thoughtfully. All six of them were here, home, but it was still oddly quiet. Almost frightening, that quiet, but then again, Roger refused to speak to Collins, and Tom had all but given up trying to talk sense into Roger. The others had been tiptoeing around them for the past few days, trying not to get in the middle of it, so April found it a small wonder that everyone was quiet for once.
In that silence, the phone rang. Mark and April both jumped, and everyone else looked up. No one went to answer it just yet, waiting for the machine to pick up. All calls in the loft were screened, and for good reason—April had once picked up the phone without thinking and ended up holding a two and a half hour conversation with Mark's mother. All in all, it was better to wait it out.
The phone rang several times before the answering machine picked up. The message ran, and then Chris' voice came on the machine, sounding agitated. "April? Are you there? I need to talk to you, so—"
"I've got it!" April called quickly, and jumped for the phone. "Chris! I'm here, what is it?"
There was a surprised silence for a second or two, then, "Oh, you're… Hi. I wasn't expecting you to pick up just now…" Still that agitated voice, setting April on edge. Chris didn't get upset over small things, and he clearly was upset now.
"What's going on, Chris?" she demanded, her voice a little sharper.
"Jessica… was in an accident last night. There was a car crash, and… she…"
April drew a breath. "But she's okay, isn't she? She's gotta be okay." It occurred to her that if Jessi were okay, she'd probably be telling April herself. So… April's knees suddenly felt as if they might not support her.
"April, it was a really bad accident. Jessi… Jessica died this morning. She lost too much blood, and they couldn't do anything to… I'm sorry, sis."
She barely heard him, suddenly numb. No. No, she couldn't… "Okay," she found herself saying numbly, her own voice sounding distant and strained. "Thank you for… for telling me."
"Wait, April, are you—"
April hung up the phone, no longer really listening to him. She walked to the couch and sat down next to Maureen, staring blankly at the opposite wall as she tried to process… Chris couldn't be right. Not Jessica. She was invincible, she was… she…
The others were watching her, worried, and Mark asked after a second or two, "April? What happened?"
The question didn't quite register. "She promised to visit. She told me she'd come up here and see us… Oh God." April drew her knees up to her chest, curled herself into as tiny a ball as possible, and burst into tears.
Maureen quickly put her arms around her, and Roger all but vaulted off the table, almost instantly beside her on the couch. April didn't even move, just let Maureen pull her close, stroking her hair and murmuring softly without even knowing what was wrong. Roger put a hand on her shoulder, and the others rushed over, too close, so close she couldn't breathe, but it didn't matter. April didn't want to breathe, didn't want to feel, didn't want to…
Her chest hurt, her lungs hurt, her heart… God, her heart. Through ragged sobs, she whimpered, "She promised me she'd never leave, she swore when we were fourteen that she'd never go away and… and…"
Roger gently pulled her away from Maureen and tried to get her to face him. April uncurled and threw her arms around his neck, burying her face in his shoulder and still murmuring incoherently about Jessi. "April-baby," Roger said gently, "none us can understand a word you're saying."
She lifted her head and tried to speak, but it all came out in gasping sobs, too fast and not at all comprehensible. Tom touched her arm lightly. "April, take a deep breath before you hyperventilate. Just breathe…" Somehow his deep, soothing voice got through to her, and April slowed her breathing with erratic gulping breaths, her dizziness fading a little. After a while Tom asked gently, "Can you talk now?" She nodded.
"I think so." Her voice still sounded barely more than a whimper, just barely under control, and the other seemed to realize that, because for a while no one said anything, afraid to set her off with some careless word.
Mark spoke first, very cautiously. "Can you tell us what's the matter? If you're not able to, then don't, but…"
April didn't move, didn't speak for a minute or two, just clinging to Roger and shaking. "Chris, he… he said…" She sat there for several more seconds, her eyes unfocused, and at last whispered, "Jessica… Jessi was in a car crash." She felt Roger tense against her, and almost couldn't go on, but managed to force out softly, "I lost her. Promised she'd never leave and she's… gone."
Wordlessly, Roger pulled her closer to him, cradling her like a small child. She shuddered and huddled against him, shaking uncontrollably.
"She was… she was my sister, my… my Jessi. If I lost her… I don't know… I can't…" April pressed her face to Roger's shoulder once more, unable to say anything else. Roger frowned at the others and waved them away silently before wrapping his arms around her again. Mark, Collins and Benny backed away, but Maureen just glared at him and took April's hand gently, refusing to move away from her. Roger gave her an annoyed look, but quickly turned his attention back to April, kissing her forehead.
"I know it hurts, baby," he murmured softly. "Cry as much as you want—we're not going anywhere."
"Never?" April asked through tears, her voice muffled against Roger's shoulder, but somehow they still understood her. Maureen squeezed her hand.
"Never. You won't lose us."
April curled against Roger, clinging to Maureen's hand with both of hers, and cried until she exhausted herself, until she fell asleep there in Roger's arms.
Chapter Twenty-One
Chapter: Twenty - When Your Heart Has Expired
Feedback: Will make me love you muchly.
Characters/Pairing: Roger/April, Mark, Benny, Collins, Maureen, Chris
Word Count: 2168
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I do not own Rent, and I'm extremely unlikely ever to. Shiny?
Chapter Index
Chapter Nineteen
The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost. - Gilbert K. Chesterton
April all but bounced into the loft, eager to see all of the others again. Roger followed a step or two behind her. “We’re home!” she said cheerfully, loudly enough to be heard through the whole loft, and rather hoping that someone would be home. She was in luck—all three of the boys were home, though since Maureen didn’t immediately pounce on her once she stepped in, April assumed that she must be elsewhere at the moment.
“April!” She heard Mark’s voice before she saw him, but in a second he stepped out of his bedroom and rushed forward to hug her happily. “Took you long enough. And you didn’t call or… or…”
“He’s been worried about you,” Benny commented wryly, grinning at April. “Convinced something had happened to you since you didn’t call. Then again, I was a little worried about you too. Well… worried about you, April. I don’t particularly care if something happens to Roger.” Roger sneered at him and otherwise ignored the comment.
“I’m fine, Mark,” April said with a smile. “We just took our time driving home. Decided to go through the southwest instead of cutting straight across to New York… It’s pretty down there, you know. And it was fun.”
“You still should’ve called,” he said, hugging her tightly once more before releasing her.
“I’ll remember that next time,” she responded, trying not to laugh at his concern. It was actually kind of touching that he was so concerned about her. At least Chris wouldn’t have to worry that she was being taken care of, with “older brothers” like Mark to watch over her. And Tom and Benny of course… “I’m gonna go and put my stuff away, then I’ll tell you guys all about California.” She disappeared into her bedroom, and for a moment none of the boys spoke.
Collins had been silent until then, but now looked to Roger. “Hey Roger, can I talk to you real quick?”
Guessing what Tom was going to say, Benny winced. It probably wasn’t the best idea to bring this up right when Roger got home… Then again, Tom knew what he was doing. Most of the time. And he certainly knew how to deal with Roger better than Benny did… Benny didn’t say anything, just watched silently, certain that something unpleasant was about to happen. He glanced briefly at Mark, who had a similar expression of nervous tension, like watching an impending train wreck just before it actually happened.
Collins beckoned Roger into his “bedroom”, the walled-off section of the living room that he’d claimed as his own since he’d been unintentionally crowded out of the other bedroom, and lowered his voice so that the others couldn’t hear him, just Roger. “Roger, I want you to know that you’re one of my best friends, you’re part of my family, and I’m only doing this because I care about you, okay?”
Roger eyed him warily. Whenever Collins started talking like that, it generally meant something disagreeable was to follow. “Okay…” He sat down on the edge of Collins’ bed, still looking up at him with a measure of suspicion. Whatever he was going to say, Roger was fairly certain he didn’t want to hear it.
He was right.
“Roger, I know you’ve been using some serious drugs,” Collins said softly. Roger stiffened immediately, but Collins went on before he could be interrupted. “I found some of your…the stuff you’ve been hiding, in your room. Now I’m not going to tell you what to do, because I know you, and I know you’ll just blow me off if I try, but… You’re smarter than this, Roger. You can pretend otherwise, but you are. What you’re doing is dangerous, and I don’t want to see you risking everything you have for this… for whatever reason you feel like you need it.”
Roger had balled his hands into fists as Collins spoke, and the simple fact that he hadn’t interrupted him seemed a miracle—probably simple respect for Collins had kept him silent whereas had it been anyone else he would have started shouting before they’d gotten out more than the first sentence. As it was, he barely waited until Collins was done to burst out, “How the hell is this any of your business?” He didn’t even bother pitching his voice low as Collins had to keep the others from hearing. Outside the “room,” Mark and Benny exchanged a look—they’d kind of expected it to go like this.
“I’m not an idiot, Collins. I don’t need your advice, I don’t need you to play older brother or whatever the hell you’re doing. I can take care of myself.” He stood up, his hands still in fists, so close to Collins that the two of them were nearly nose-to-nose, but Collins didn’t step backwards to move away from him. “You found my… What the hell were you doing in my room in the first place? You don’t have the right to… to just go rummaging through my things just because you think that—“
“I told you, Roger, I only did it because I care about you. I don’t want to see you get hurt.”
“Hurt how?” Roger snapped. “I don’t need you to shelter me, Collins. I don’t need your help.” He stood there for a second more, then turned and stalked away, shoving aside one of the blankets that formed the bedroom walls so hard that he almost yanked it down unintentionally. As he did, April stepped out of her own bedroom, glancing worriedly from Roger to Collins, and then to the other two—Benny sitting on the couch, Mark standing near it—both of whom simply watched awkwardly, somewhere between distressed and thankful that they weren’t the ones in the path of Roger’s anger.
“What happened?” April asked at last. The question wasn't really necessary. She'd probably heard Roger from the other room anyway.
“Nothing,” Roger growled, and stalked past her into the bedroom.
Three days after they’d gotten home, April was starting to grow tired of the way Roger kept shooting glares at Collins any time he caught the other man so much as looking at him. She decided not to say anything about it, though. It made thing easier if she just pretended she didn’t see, didn’t know… And if she ignored the fact that some time between when they got home and now, fresh track marks had appeared on Roger’s arms. So long as she pretended they weren’t there, they might as well not exist.
Yeah, she thought with a sigh. Nice try, April Shower. She’d even picked up the boys’ nickname when speaking to herself, it seemed… Well, it didn’t hurt anything, and sometimes the nickname seemed all too applicable. Like now, when she felt… overcast, gloomy. Not quite stormy, just… drizzly. April showers.
She glanced around the living room thoughtfully. All six of them were here, home, but it was still oddly quiet. Almost frightening, that quiet, but then again, Roger refused to speak to Collins, and Tom had all but given up trying to talk sense into Roger. The others had been tiptoeing around them for the past few days, trying not to get in the middle of it, so April found it a small wonder that everyone was quiet for once.
In that silence, the phone rang. Mark and April both jumped, and everyone else looked up. No one went to answer it just yet, waiting for the machine to pick up. All calls in the loft were screened, and for good reason—April had once picked up the phone without thinking and ended up holding a two and a half hour conversation with Mark's mother. All in all, it was better to wait it out.
The phone rang several times before the answering machine picked up. The message ran, and then Chris' voice came on the machine, sounding agitated. "April? Are you there? I need to talk to you, so—"
"I've got it!" April called quickly, and jumped for the phone. "Chris! I'm here, what is it?"
There was a surprised silence for a second or two, then, "Oh, you're… Hi. I wasn't expecting you to pick up just now…" Still that agitated voice, setting April on edge. Chris didn't get upset over small things, and he clearly was upset now.
"What's going on, Chris?" she demanded, her voice a little sharper.
"Jessica… was in an accident last night. There was a car crash, and… she…"
April drew a breath. "But she's okay, isn't she? She's gotta be okay." It occurred to her that if Jessi were okay, she'd probably be telling April herself. So… April's knees suddenly felt as if they might not support her.
"April, it was a really bad accident. Jessi… Jessica died this morning. She lost too much blood, and they couldn't do anything to… I'm sorry, sis."
She barely heard him, suddenly numb. No. No, she couldn't… "Okay," she found herself saying numbly, her own voice sounding distant and strained. "Thank you for… for telling me."
"Wait, April, are you—"
April hung up the phone, no longer really listening to him. She walked to the couch and sat down next to Maureen, staring blankly at the opposite wall as she tried to process… Chris couldn't be right. Not Jessica. She was invincible, she was… she…
The others were watching her, worried, and Mark asked after a second or two, "April? What happened?"
The question didn't quite register. "She promised to visit. She told me she'd come up here and see us… Oh God." April drew her knees up to her chest, curled herself into as tiny a ball as possible, and burst into tears.
Maureen quickly put her arms around her, and Roger all but vaulted off the table, almost instantly beside her on the couch. April didn't even move, just let Maureen pull her close, stroking her hair and murmuring softly without even knowing what was wrong. Roger put a hand on her shoulder, and the others rushed over, too close, so close she couldn't breathe, but it didn't matter. April didn't want to breathe, didn't want to feel, didn't want to…
Her chest hurt, her lungs hurt, her heart… God, her heart. Through ragged sobs, she whimpered, "She promised me she'd never leave, she swore when we were fourteen that she'd never go away and… and…"
Roger gently pulled her away from Maureen and tried to get her to face him. April uncurled and threw her arms around his neck, burying her face in his shoulder and still murmuring incoherently about Jessi. "April-baby," Roger said gently, "none us can understand a word you're saying."
She lifted her head and tried to speak, but it all came out in gasping sobs, too fast and not at all comprehensible. Tom touched her arm lightly. "April, take a deep breath before you hyperventilate. Just breathe…" Somehow his deep, soothing voice got through to her, and April slowed her breathing with erratic gulping breaths, her dizziness fading a little. After a while Tom asked gently, "Can you talk now?" She nodded.
"I think so." Her voice still sounded barely more than a whimper, just barely under control, and the other seemed to realize that, because for a while no one said anything, afraid to set her off with some careless word.
Mark spoke first, very cautiously. "Can you tell us what's the matter? If you're not able to, then don't, but…"
April didn't move, didn't speak for a minute or two, just clinging to Roger and shaking. "Chris, he… he said…" She sat there for several more seconds, her eyes unfocused, and at last whispered, "Jessica… Jessi was in a car crash." She felt Roger tense against her, and almost couldn't go on, but managed to force out softly, "I lost her. Promised she'd never leave and she's… gone."
Wordlessly, Roger pulled her closer to him, cradling her like a small child. She shuddered and huddled against him, shaking uncontrollably.
"She was… she was my sister, my… my Jessi. If I lost her… I don't know… I can't…" April pressed her face to Roger's shoulder once more, unable to say anything else. Roger frowned at the others and waved them away silently before wrapping his arms around her again. Mark, Collins and Benny backed away, but Maureen just glared at him and took April's hand gently, refusing to move away from her. Roger gave her an annoyed look, but quickly turned his attention back to April, kissing her forehead.
"I know it hurts, baby," he murmured softly. "Cry as much as you want—we're not going anywhere."
"Never?" April asked through tears, her voice muffled against Roger's shoulder, but somehow they still understood her. Maureen squeezed her hand.
"Never. You won't lose us."
April curled against Roger, clinging to Maureen's hand with both of hers, and cried until she exhausted herself, until she fell asleep there in Roger's arms.
Chapter Twenty-One